16. “Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.” ~ Oscar Wilde
Identity is a combination of your physical and behavioural traits that define who you are. We can use language effectively to describe ourselves in a way that resonates deeply with us. What we want is congruence, where the interior notion of us matches the exterior presentation and we feel true, authentic and aligned.
The power of identity
The same person can identify as a shy, quiet, introvert or as a confident, driven, ambitious person. If we believe we are strong and assertive at work, we are likely to feel strong and behave accordingly; we give off what we believe about ourselves. Put simply, the language we use to describe ourselves and talk to ourselves has the power to change the trajectory of our days, months, years and ultimately our lives.
Our minds are more powerful than we think
At every choice point, we can determine what type of person we are. As adults who take ownership of our journeys, we have the ability to choose and decide how we describe ourselves internally, and externally to others. This intentional choice is essentially a belief and a thought. Beliefs and thoughts affect our emotions. When we feel good, we tend to follow through with the right or better actions and behaviour patterns. When we feel low or bad, we tend not to. Instead we might procrastinate, settle for less, not do our best, sabotage or just get by.
Our behaviour then feeds our preconceived identity we already have. For example, our behaviour of driving towards our goals is evidence of our belief that we are driven. By the same token, if procrastination is our pattern, then we might associate that evidence with laziness. The identity, as a driven or a lazy person, sticks because we like to be consistent with our labels and patterns. A driven person must behave in a way that is consistent with drivenness. A lazy person must behave in a way that is consistent with laziness!
Once we understand this concept, it feels liberating because we can break free from the mental and emotional chains of the labels that were given to us in the past and identities we have adopted consciously or unconsciously.
Double-edged sword
In my family, I grew up with the label of “sensitive and emotional”. It originated from being easily overwhelmed by situations and my default reaction of crying. I was told to stop crying because “crying shows weakness”. In my culture, any display of emotion indicates a lack of self-discipline, self-control and having an excess of emotionality and sensitivity. Children are taught self-discipline and stoicism from a young age and trained to channel their emotion into the creative arts or martial arts.
Although my family disapproved of me for being “too sensitive”, I was rewarded for being a “helper”, and my identity as a helper grew stronger. It’s precisely my sensitivity and emotionality that made me attune to people and be able to help them. Fortunately I found a way to channel it through my work as a psychotherapist, clinical supervisor and a mentor. I am humbled by all the beautiful humans I’ve had the privilege of helping and I have so much gratitude for my sensitivity, to be able to continue with my vocation and mission.
How identity gets reinforced
I would love for you to find an identity that really speaks to you. Because when you do, it opens doors to more opportunities and opens your mind and heart to more possibilities. You get to connect with yourself deeply. This is different from the job roles you play such as parent, nurse or teacher, although these can also be your identity, of course.
Our identity will be reinforced with first-person reference experiences. Positive new experiences give us evidence for that new identity. For instance, last year I was working on being courageous and having candid conversations. When I had those experiences, I proved to myself that I was showing up as a courageous person. My actions of having candid conversations reinforced my identity as a courageous person. If I didn’t follow through, that would be disingenuous and only be wishful thinking.
When you’re uncertain or indecisive, asking yourself “What would so-and-so do?” can be helpful. In this case, the identity compels you to decide an action step. For example, “What would Superwoman do?” She would prioritise the most important things and take assertive, efficient and effective actions to get them all done. She would not doubt herself, procrastinate, make excuses or leave things for other people to pick up.
How to choose an identity to become the type of person you want to be:
What is your current identity? Do you feel aligned with it? Ask yourself if it’s helpful or not. Re-assess all your labels.
Dig deep and find an identity that really speaks to you. Imagine embodying that persona in your mind. How would this type of person speak and behave?
Try it on for size, as if you’re putting on a coat. Experiment with one identity for a few days or weeks, and re-evaluate how you feel. If it feels aligned, stay with it. If it doesn’t, experiment with a different one.
Once you have an identity you feel aligned with, take actions that this persona would take. Every time you come to a choice point, a fork in the road, ask yourself, “What would so-and-so do?”
Then focus, pour energy into engaging your belief in your capabilities, trusting you will handle this situation and following through with the first action step. You only need to focus on the first step.
Congratulate yourself on taking the hardest step towards becoming the person you want to be! You can do anything, but you can’t do everything. Choosing to do one thing, which means discarding the other options, requires commitment and you just proved to yourself that.
Keep going with taking action steps and gathering first-person reference experiences. These will build up to prove to yourself that you are becoming the type of person who shows up for yourself. This in turn will develop your self-respect, self-trust, self-belief, consistency, patience and improve the relationship you have with yourself.
Look back to Day 1 and reflect on how much progress you have made. Celebrate this with or without your accountability partner.
Now let’s recap:
The language we use to describe ourselves and talk to ourselves has the power to change our lives.
We build evidence for the type of person we wish to become with first-person reference experiences and taking action steps.
Our beliefs feed into our behaviour patterns. If you want to reinforce it in a virtuous cycle, be consistent with the right action steps of your chosen identity.
Over to you:
What identity will you choose and why?
In what ways will you implement this new identity in your life?
If you knew you couldn’t fail, what would you do?
Until the next issue, take good care of yourself and your loved ones,
Ikuko 💌