14. “Always remember, you have within you the strength, patience and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world.” ~ Harriet Tubman
Impatience and fixed mindset
In the past and until recently, I believed I could never be a patient person because I had a more rigid and fixed mindset. I have always been quite impatient and wanted quick results ever since I was a child. I used to think “If only I could be patient”, I could have progressed more and not have such high expectations of situations or other people. Because I was impatient, I also expected too much of myself to accomplish things without sufficient time to exert enough effort. I used to give up far too easily because I believed I should be able to do things faster. Impatience was essentially self-sabotage and a self-fulfilling prophecy that I would ‘fail’ every time.
In my mind, impatience equalled efficiency. On reflection, this came from being conditioned to go faster, to hurry up as if time was running out. It was my mother’s saying “Hurry up!” that became internalised as my own and I believed it was a desirable trait to be efficient ALL the time. If I wasn’t, then I told myself that I was too slow, lazy, and there must be something wrong with me, which all belonged in the end to the familiar category of “not good enough”.
Childhood conditioning
Growing up, not good enough is how I felt. With hindsight and being a parent myself, I can understand why my mother often told me this. I know that she wanted the best for me. She didn’t know that she needed to encourage, support, speak gently, pick me up when I felt down, and tell me to try again when I was giving up. Instead all she knew was to tell me to hurry up with things she found easy so that I could get ahead, or at least keep up, and make something of myself.
I believe it came from her disappointment as someone whose dreams of becoming a chemist lay dormant and were never realised. She tried to live her life through me. I now know the harsh tone with which she reprimanded me was frustrations directed towards herself and her life. I have compassion towards my mother for this because what we are unaware of always comes out somewhere in our interactions with our loved ones, especially our children. I’m sure if she knew this and had a chance to do it over, she would parent differently.
In the present time
I can recognise that my perspective on patience has changed so much. Now I set myself up for success in these ways: I give myself time to experiment with new things. I break down tasks so that they are manageable and match my expectations. I give myself permission to make ‘mistakes’ and iterate over and over. I give myself positive self-talk along the way especially when it becomes tough. I ask for support and feedback, both positive reinforcements and critiques. I celebrate each little win with my accountability partner to keep the momentum going. I measure my progress backwards and remind myself how far I’ve come since Day 1. This process is by no means easy for me but it’s a huge improvement on my previous process.
How patience rewards our process
When I experiment, it requires me to take calculated risks, I feel uncertain about how it will pan out, so I must be patient. I must also step out of my comfort zone to experiment, which by definition is uncomfortable. When I feel uncomfortable, I remind myself I’m in the growth zone and double down and focus on the action steps. By controlling my focus on what is in front of me, my attention is in the present moment, not in the future. Because there isn’t the pressure to ‘hurry up’, I can concentrate on the task at hand. I feel a sense of calm and peace, even though there’s no guarantee of the outcome. As a bonus, when I’m focused on the process, not the outcome, I tend to enjoy the journey more. When I feel good, I tend to do more of the right things, and so it starts a virtuous cycle.
How to be patient with yourself:
Recognise and acknowledge where you are at right now. Are you generally patient or impatient with yourself? Where did you learn to be patient/impatient?
If you tend to be impatient, observe how impatience feels in your body and where it sits in your body. Does it have a hot/cold sensation, fuzzy/sharp, dense/light, still/tingling/buzzing? This is called a body marker. Take note of it, so you know what impatience feels like. Breathe deeply into that area until the sensations start to shift.
Close your eyes and visualise your inner child at 7 years old standing in front of you. Imagine this child is about to do something new for the first time. How would you talk to them in order to set them up for success, not just once but for the rest of their life?
Back in your present adult self, find the part of you that feels compassionate towards this child. You feel a sense of responsibility for them to grow up healthily and with a strong sense of themselves.
Decide on your first experiment with a new or complex project. Break it down to a manageable size, so you, or your inner child, don’t get overwhelmed. If you start to feel the same sensations in your body as above, this is a sign that an old conditioning has crept up and that you are going too fast or have taken on too much. Break it down even more. The first action step should be so small that it’s easy for you to do. We want to build from there.
Once you have finished the first action step, move on to the next. Periodically look back and measure your progress backwards and remember to celebrate.
If you make a mistake along the way, and you will, it’s okay. Pause, reflect and ask yourself: what happened? What could you have done differently? What have you learned from it? What needs adjusting? There’s no need to beat yourself up. Making mistakes is a necessary part of the process.
Give yourself a pep talk: It’s okay, you’ve got this, I believe in you, I’m here for you! It’s so empowering to trust yourself to have your own back.
Focus on the single task in front of you. Congratulate yourself for persevering with it. Yes, it’s hard, but it’s also so rewarding.
Ask your support network for positive and constructive feedback. Incorporate the feedback into the process. Check in with yourself from time to time. How do you feel? Are you being more patient with yourself?
Reflect back to Day 1. How was that process for you? Remind yourself that by changing the way you talk to yourself, you can improve the most important relationship in your life.
Now let’s recap:
Patience is giving yourself a good chance to succeed, as opposed to impatience sabotaging your efforts.
Give yourself plenty of time and patience to experiment with new or complex projects, iterate over and over, and expect that mistakes are a necessary part of the process.
The way you talk to yourself is the difference between taking ownership of re-parenting yourself and reinforcing the negative childhood conditioning.
Now over to you:
Would you like to learn to re-parent yourself?
Will you set yourself up for success from now on?
How will you talk to yourself?
Until the next issue, take good care of yourself and your loved ones,
Ikuko 💌