9. “When we abdicate taking responsibility for ourselves, we are giving up our ability to create and discover meaning. In other words, we give up on life.” ~ Dr Edith Eger
I used to live a much smaller, safer and less daring life a few years ago, and I wasn't even aware of it. With hindsight, I recognise that I expected less from myself and others, settled for less, accepted crumbs and mediocrity, sometimes stopped myself from enjoying experiences, didn’t speak up when I needed to, smiled even when I felt angry or upset, sometimes pretended I was enjoying something when I wasn’t, all the while trying to convince myself that my life was good as it was. From the outside I probably looked calm, put together and confident enough. In truth, I always had a nagging feeling that something was missing.
I realised these happened because of the lies I told myself. Not lies in the moral or ethical sense but in an emotionally immature sense. I couldn’t handle the hard truths of choosing to live a smaller life. When I reflected on how dishonest I was with myself, I didn’t like it. I asked myself why I had a mediocre relationship with myself and failed to take responsibility. It was because I let myself off the hook and made excuses, all in the name of ‘an easier life’. I thought that because my childhood was ‘hard’, I wanted an easier time as an adult. I had convinced myself that I had paid my dues. Life had other plans for me and it invited me to grow up and step up.
I knew I had a fear of judgement, rejection and abandonment all stemming from the feeling I was not good enough. These fears explained some of what I was experiencing. The realisation dawned on me that the biggest fear of all was a fear of success. To succeed means to show up, step up, be seen and that comes with the scrutiny of others, judgement, criticism and either acceptance or rejection, sometimes even indifference or irrelevance. I didn’t want to take that risk because a rejection or irrelevance would confirm my childhood belief that I wasn’t important or good enough. If I was seen, then I’d have to step up, show what I’m made of, prove myself, and that was terrifying. More terrifying than failing.
Failing, I was accustomed to throughout my childhood. My parents didn’t expect anything of me anyway, so I didn’t either. Failure was normal. Success, on the other hand, was completely out of my comfort zone. It made me feel too vulnerable. This was how I operated until I realised whatever our circumstances and background, we have a choice.
The first choice is to stay stuck, live small, not reach potential, feel trapped and fearful, blame myself, others or life circumstances all my life, like a child. The second choice is to free myself from all the excuses and limiting beliefs (I’m not cut out for…, I don’t have enough time, money, qualifications…) and take ownership of my mindset, perspective, attitude, responses and my emotions. This means I choose to grow up and become a true adult.
When the going gets tough, I remind myself of Viktor Frankl and Edith Eger and their tenacity and endurance. “If they can survive the most horrific human experience during the Holocaust, then surely I can handle life’s difficulties.” I tell myself. By choosing to take ownership of what is within my control and domain of influence and regulating my emotions, I can navigate through life with more grace.
How to take ownership in any situation:
Recognise that you have a choice in how you respond to any situation.
Recognise and acknowledge your limiting beliefs and fears.
Recognise and acknowledge your excuses, justifications, reasons for blaming others or the situation.
Decide that the costs of disowning your emotions and responses are too high compared to the benefits of owning them.
Allow the feeling that accompanies the thought of “this is hard, I can’t do this, why does life need to be this hard” and acknowledge them.
Lean into the discomfort and tell yourself you need to go through this to build your resilience and mental strength. You’ve got this.
Be kind and compassionate towards yourself. It’s okay to not be able to do this every time. Speak to yourself as if you’re cheering a child on.
Learn from your experience and course-correct for next time a similar situation arises. There’s no need to beat yourself up. Ask yourself how your role model or mentor would handle this.
Take note of the progress you made in taking ownership of your emotions and responses. Congratulate yourself for that improvement.
Now over to you:
What excuse are you ready to drop now?
What will you take responsibility for?
How does it feel to own your emotions and responses?
I hope you feel empowered to make changes. I’d love to know how this goes.
Until the next issue, take good care of yourself and your loved ones,
Ikuko 💌